


You've been on lockdown and I hold the key

by yuraxchan



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Anxiety, M/M, Unbeta-ed, mentions of taeyong's past
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-09
Updated: 2016-05-09
Packaged: 2018-06-07 10:14:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,913
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6799684
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yuraxchan/pseuds/yuraxchan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jaehyun was a ray of sunshine in his life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You've been on lockdown and I hold the key

 

Taeyong kept dancing and dancing, trying to forget the ugly words he read or heard about himself. The hateful comments were suffocating, the pitying or judging stares everywhere he went burnt his skin. He tried to hide, to avoid looking into people’s eyes as much as he could because it hurt. Everything hurt. So he’d rather dance until his limbs ached, until he would be too exhausted to think, than look into anyone’s eyes. He was scared he would crumble if he did.

He thought he would be strong enough to handle it but he was wrong, nothing could have prepared him to _this_ ; it was hell. No one could shield him from people’s hate, not even his own self. Now, all Taeyong wanted to do was to go back in time and erase his past, erase his younger self. Sometimes he looked at himself in the mirror and wanted to scream, to punch himself, to punch his past self, for being so dumb, immature and disgusting. He also wanted to numb his feelings and forget everything.

He tried so hard to move on, to better himself. He thought being honest and apologizing and reflecting would repair his mistakes or at least lessen his sin but he was dead wrong.  No one would let it go. He was condemned to apologize, to get hated and hate himself because of his past wrongdoings. But he only had to blame himself for that, right?

If Taeyong thought he had paid the price before, now he was realizing that he had been wrong all along. He chose a path that won’t permit him to forget, to forgive. If he had known it before, if he had known he would shoot himself in the foot with his teenager’s rebellious phase…Perhaps he wouldn’t have walked down this path. He wished someone had been there to stop him, to slap some sense into him but he had been alone, and now he was too. Taeyong felt utterly alone and scared for the first time in a very long time. He had nearly forgotten how it felt to feel helpless and lost, to want to sleep forever, to wish to disappear. He didn’t want to go back to that dark place anymore.

His thoughts were interrupted by the opening of the door. Jaehyun stood there, watching him carefully. He looked hesitant to talk, probably knowing what was going through Taeyong’s mind.  Taeyong dropped his gaze to the floor and picked up his water bottle to gulp down its content noisily. Jaehyun finally stepped into the practice room, letting the door close behind him, but he didn’t come closer.

“It’s late,” he said quietly.

Taeyong knew he wanted to say more but was afraid to do so. Jaehyun knew him the best anyway, even though Taeyong tried to hide from him. The younger had succeeded into worming its way in Taeyong’s life since day one. As much as Taeyong had wanted to push him away, to keep his walls up, he had been unable to do so. Jaehyun was persistent. He had fought days after days to get into Taeyong’s good side, to prove his sincerity and to get Taeyong to open up to him. To trust him.

After some resistance, Taeyong had finally let him in. He was so lonely and tired to hide. Jaehyun was a ray of sunshine in his life. The younger was full of life, always smiling, dimples showing and eyes glinting. Jaehyun was good to him, for him. He was exactly the person Taeyong had needed all those times, he was the person Taeyong still needed even now. Not that he would tell him, even if he suspected Jaehyun knew anyway.

At first, Taeyong had been wary of him, he was too proper, too kind, too perfect to be real. Jaehyun looked like he was shining. It scared Taeyong. If Jaehyun was the sun, Taeyong was the moon. Jaehyun shone, whereas Taeyong wanted to hide in all the dark corners. But after some time—months really, while Jaehyun pestered him to be his friend, totally ignoring people talking bad about his hyung, Taeyong gave in.

He also learnt to discover sides that Jaehyun tried to hide to others. Taeyong was quiet but he wasn’t blind. While people talked, he listened. He noticed the small imperfections, the fake smiles, the hesitation, the nervousness, the way Jaehyun sometimes couldn’t meet his gaze. He saw it all. Seeing Jaehyun’s imperfections reassured him because it meant the younger wasn’t hiding from him, he wasn’t playing a role, he was being himself and wasn’t scared to appear vulnerable in front of Taeyong. If Jaehyun put that much trust in him, the latter couldn’t let him down. He had no right to.

Taeyong had made mistakes before, he had cheated, he had lied a lot, but now he wanted to leave everything behind. He was a new man. He had changed and he was going to show it to everyone around him. He wanted to be getter, to feel better, to get better. Taeyong desperately wanted to be a better man. He knew Jaehyun would help him. And help him, Jaehyun did. Since Taeyong let him in, he had never let him down.

“We should go home,” Jaehyun offered after a minute of silence.

Taeyong shrugged. “I don’t want to go home.”

“You need to rest,” his friend sighed. “ _We_ need to rest.”

“You can leave. I’ll stay.” Taeyong answered stubbornly.

Jaehyun stared. He was probably trying to gauge Taeyong’s reaction. Once he found what he was looking for, he carded his fingers through his hair and padded to the mirror, sitting on the floor with his back against the glass.

“One hour and we leave.” He said, his tone not leaving any room for protestation.

Taeyong nodded, his shoulders slumping in relief. He was grateful Jaehyun chose to stay with him and didn’t argue. Taeyong knew he would have said stupid things to the younger if Jaehyun nagged at him and he didn’t want to hurt him. He had done enough hurting in the past. Feeling guilty to keep Jaehyun up, he asked to leave only twenty minutes later. Jaehyun was fighting to keep his eyes open, yawning every two minutes.

On their way to the dorms, Jaehyun let his head rest on Taeyong’s lap and fell asleep. Taeyong gazed at his sleeping face the whole ride, threading his fingers through the younger’s hair. He looked cute like that, unaware of what was going on around him. A fond smile tugged at Taeyong’s lips. He was so used to see Jaehyun as the strong one, with his bigger body and muscles—in comparison to Taeyong’s small frame—that it was always surprising to see him vulnerable.

Taeyong liked it, when he was the one who took care of Jaehyun, of the NCT members. He liked it a lot, even though he annoyed them with his nagging. Taeyong desperately wanted to be there for them, to be the one who they could rely on. He didn’t want anyone to feel alone, to _be_ alone, especially in the scary world of the entertainment industry. Taeyong hoped they never made the same mistakes as he did and that they never went through the same difficulties as him. He swore he would protect them and he was going to keep his words no matter what.

 

 

 

Taeyong was frustrated. Everything had been fine on the radio show until the MC asked him to leave a message to his parents. Taeyong didn’t know why but at the words “parents” his mind went blank. Then, he stumbled over his words like some rookie (that he forgot he was) and broke down. He still couldn’t believe that he cried. At a radio sow. In public. He felt so embarrassed he could die.

Taeyong didn’t have the best relationship with his parents so he avoided going home as much as he could. Although it was better now than it was in the past, since now Taeyong had a future and wasn’t a complete failure, he still remembered their disappointed faces each time he looked at them. Taeyong had worried his family, he had made them sad and he hated it. It was years ago but he still couldn’t face them proudly. He hoped one day they would be proud of him.   

Truthfully, he missed them a lot. He badly wanted to rush home when things were hard for him, but he couldn’t. His pride and guilt wouldn’t let him. Taeyong wished he could hug his mom, that he could cry on his shoulders and get babied but sadly he hadn’t that luxury. Not now, not ever.

Since his relationship with his parents wasn’t ideal, he had somehow created his own family with the NCT members. He took care of them like brothers, making sure to be reliable and caring. He wasn’t the best with skinship though, so it was hard to be affectionate with all of them but he tried his best. He wasn’t as touchy as Jaehyun, who acted like a mom and cuddled everyone, but he tried hard to appear softer and loving, at least with the younger ones.

Taeyong knew he appeared cold and stone-faced most of the times, he also knew he was intimidating when he was in the practice room or performing, but he forced himself to smile a lot around his members just to show them that he was friendly. He didn’t want to be the asshole of the bunch. After so many months spent together practicing, sweating, having fun and rooming, his efforts paid up and they all warmed up to him gradually.

Friendship was important to him, and even if he was awkward about it, he made sure to let them all know that he cared about their well-being, about them. Jaehyun helped him a lot in doing so. The younger had pushed him to talk more, he had made him laugh, had shown everyone Taeyong’s friendly and cute side. Jaehyun had been the first to see Taeyong’s true self underneath the facade, he had been the first to glue himself to the older one to get under his skin. And after some months, he had succeeded.

Jaehyun was the one who grounded him. He had done it earlier too, at the radio show. Taeyong knew Jaehyun’s heart hurt too, seeing him cry. The younger knew Taeyong rarely cried and when he did, it was only when the both of them were alone. Taeyong had tried to shy away from his touch so he wouldn’t crumble because it was the effect Jaehyun had on him. One touch and Taeyong melted. He would have started bawling his eyes out and hugged Jaehyun to death if he didn’t control his emotions earlier.

The day had been long and Taeyong dreamt of taking a shower. He sullenly dragged himself to the bathroom after everyone else had bathed, undressed slowly and let the warm water hit his sweaty skin. Relaxing his muscles, he closed his eyes and stayed motionless under the shower spray for a few minutes. He hoped he wouldn’t use all the water but at this point he just didn’t care. He lazily washed up and dried himself off quickly before getting into his pyjamas.

The dorm was silent when he exited the bathroom, everyone must have been asleep. They would be up early tomorrow, they had another long day. Their schedule was packed after all. Taeyong wasn’t surprised to see Jaehyun half-asleep on his bed, his roommate, Taeil, nowhere to be found. Smiling softly, Taeyong maneuvered Jaehyun until he was under the cover before joining him on the bed. Jaehyun grumbled in his sleep, not waking up, and snuggled closer to Taeyong, chasing his warmth. Taeyong sighed in relief and threw his arm around Jaehyun’s waist. He knew he would sleep well with Jaehyun at his sides.   

When morning came, Taeyong’s sleepy gaze met Jaehyun’s. They didn’t need to put an alarm anymore, they were all used to wake up early. Taeyong smiled lazily, stretching, and let Jaehyun pet his hair gently. The younger always need to touch him somehow, not that Taeyong minded. He loved the attention. He basked in it even. Taeyong was greedy for Jaehyun’s affection and never hid it.     

Jaehyun smiled fondly at him and nuzzled his cheek. “Are you feeling better?”

“Yes, thanks to you.” Taeyong nodded, offering him a small smile.

Smiling widely, Jaehyun wiggled his eyebrows. “Really? Then, can I have my thank you gift?”

Taeyong rolled his eyes. “Don’t push it.”

The younger chuckled, hugging his side. “Come on,” he whined, his fingers ghosting over Taeyong’s naked hip. Taeyong shivered slightly at the touch but didn’t answer. Jaehyun pouted, digging his nails into his skin in retaliation.

Hissing, Taeyong turned to face him, ready to chide him, but Jaehyun took the opportunity to peck him on the lips, efficiently shushing him. Taeyong’s eyes were wide open as he stared blankly at Jaehyun. The latter wore a smug expression on his face. “Gotcha,” he whispered.

Flushing slightly, Taeyong sent him a glare.

“You’re so cute, hyung.” Jaehyun cooed, cupping Taeyong’s cheek. “So, so cute.” He repeated with a lower voice.

“Shut up,” Taeyong snapped without bite.

He was still uncomfortable at being called cute, even if he was used to it by now, hearing it a lot from Jaehyun but also the other NCT members.     

 

 

 

Taeyong felt anxious as he made his ways through the fans to get into the SM building. He was still haunted by what he saw on the internet about him. Biting the inside of his cheeks, he kept his gaze on the ground. A hand sneaked around his waist and squeezed his hip in a comforting manner. Taeyong quickly reached down to hold the hand at his hip before linking Jaehyun’s fingers and his. Taeyong sighed in relief when they entered the building.

“Are you okay hyung?” came Ten’s accented voice.

Taeyong nodded, unable to voice out his answer. He was still shaken up by the crowd, the events from these past days and his own insecurities. Ten squeezed his shoulder gently and offered him a warm smile, full of understanding. Taeyong saw Jaehyun nod in Taeil direction from the corner of his eyes, surely to reassure him, and let Jaehyun tug him to the practice room. He only noticed that Jaehyun hadn’t let go of him when Doyoung’s gaze fell on their linked hands.

Untangling their fingers, Taeyong quickly rushed to the stereo to put the music on and avoided looking in Jaehyun’s direction. He kept embarrassing himself these days it seemed.

 

 

 

“You were distracted today, at practice.” Taeyong commented softly, drying his hair.

Jaehyun froze but was quick to hide his surprise by a smile. “Sorry.”

“No, don’t apologize,” he mumbled. “I was just worried.” When Jaehyun didn’t respond, he continued. “You know you can tell me anything, right?”

Chuckling, Jaehyun pinched his cheek. “I know, silly.”

Taeyong caught his wrist before Jaehyun left the bathroom, tugging him backwards. He wasn’t done with their conversation.  “Tell me.”

Jaehyun’s face fell and he sighed. Taeyong let go of his wrist, eyeing him carefully.

“I feel like you’re going back into your shell.” Jaehyun started. “It took you so long to be carefree around us…But now I’m worried you’re going to push us away, to push _me_ away once again.”

Taeyong bit his lips, feeling guilty. “If this is about earlier today, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you. I was just embarrassed…”

“The thing is…we hold hands all the time, Taeyong. But you never reacted that way before.” Jaehyun cut in, sounding hurt.

With a lump in his throat, Taeyong dropped his gaze. “I’m sorry.”

“Okay, just…” Jaehyun let out a frustrated noise, stepping closer and grabbing his hands. “I’m the one who’s sorry. I know it’s been hard for you, it was childish of me to feel hurt by such a small gesture.”

Taeyong shook his head. “No, it’s not childish. You’re right, I was wrong.”

“I got scared you know, when I saw how you reacted in front of Doyoung, our friend…It scared me.” Jaehyun confessed. “I don’t want you to hide from us, from me anymore. I don’t want you to distance yourself. It’ll break my heart.”

“I’m not going to, I promise.” Taeyong assured him. “I’m sorry.”

“Promise me to come to me when you feel down, even if you think it’s stupid. I’ll listen to you no matter what.” Jaehyun said, searching his gaze.

“I will.” Taeyong replied, closing his eyes briefly.

“Can I kiss you now?” Jaehyun inquired. “I really need to kiss you.”

At Taeyong’s small nod, Jaehyun smiled, relieved. He released Taeyong’s hands and cupped his face, leaning in to kiss him tenderly. He hummed into the kiss, savoring it, before he deepened it, leaving one hand on Taeyong’s cheek, the other one settling on his hip to keep him close. They kissed languidly for a while, Taeyong pliant in Jaehyun’s embrace as he let him ravish him as he pleased.  

 

 

 

“Are you still worried?” Taeyong whispered as they cuddled on his bed later in the night, Jaehyun spooning him.

“Should I?” he mumbled sleepily.

“No.” Taeyong said. “You shouldn’t worry, I’m not going anywhere.”

Tightening his hold on Taeyong’s waist, Jaehyun burrowed his face in his hair. “Good. I won’t let you go either way.”

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Please go to [NCT Prompts](http://twitter.com/NCTprompts) for inspiration or to leave prompts~


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